Myth #5: Once we (fill in the blank), he will no longer abuse me.

weddingabuseFACT: A common thought or vain hope amongst victims of intimate partner violence is that once the couple experiences a major life event together such as getting married or having a baby, then the batterer will no longer abuse. As if magically, things will be better and he or she will no longer behave so poorly. When in fact, the opposite is true.

Typically batterers push for moving in together, buying a house together, getting married, getting pregnant, etc as means to propel their need to control the victim more effectively. Consider it a red flag when your partner wants to rush into a life event after only knowing you for a short period. Countless victims have testified they were beaten on their honeymoons or after buying a home together or even after becoming pregnant. The more serious the commitment, the more the batterer tends to reveal his or her true ideologies of power and control.

For better or for worse, a batterer will use whatever means necessary to gain power and control.

5 thoughts on “Myth #5: Once we (fill in the blank), he will no longer abuse me.

  1. Tiffany says:

    In my case there were no signs of him being abusive until we got married. It literally felt like once that ring was slipped onto my finger, the whole relationship changed. From then on there was verbal abuse and a few physical incidences. I left him 5 years into the relationship before we even had a child together, but got sucked back in by his promise to change (going to therapy, etc). Soon back in I became pregnant. He was pretty good during the pregnancy, but once our daughter was born he reverted back to his old abusive ways. Most abusers do “just enough” to reel you back in. No real change ever takes place, but merely an appear to change to get you to move back in, make up, start a family, get back together, etc. Don’t be fooled….most abusers never change. They keep you coming back because you hold out hope. Their empty promises seem so compelling. They are master manipulators and know exactly what to say and do to get you to stay or come back. Mind even completed a batterer’s program to no avail. I am proof that most don’t change. They may go through the motions of change (batterer’s program, therapy, sobbing, making amends, etc), but it’s never true change. True change lasts and remember actions speak louder than words.

  2. Jersey Girl says:

    There is a Scripture the Lord gave me when I was finally realizing the mess I was in. It was this:

    Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? then may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil.

    Jeremiah 13:23

    I woke up real fast to what I was dealing with. And that he will NEVER CHANGE. I’m already gone. And I’m feeling strong. (to quote the Eagles)

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